Personal Stories

The 4am Walk That Changed My Life

[TW: suicidal ideations & plans] 
By Isobel

It all started on May 9th, 2018 with a 4am morning walk with my dog to plan my suicide. I was walking around the neighbourhood trying to find the best spot to kill myself. I wanted to find somewhere discrete where I wouldn’t be found, yet close within walking distancing from home. One step at a time, I analyzed my environment in depth. Twenty minutes later, I found a cliff. It was near a sewage. I thought to myself, “Perfect! No one likes sewers, no one goes near them and I could just leap to my death. Simply jump off. Too good to be true.”

As I contemplated what to do, I tied my dog up around the corner. I started to pile rocks at the bottom of the cliff to land on. I started hearing voices in my head egging me on. They started saying, “Keep going you’re doing great” “This is what they want for you” “Killing yourself is the answer”. I was convinced suicide would resolve all my issues, that I was worthless, and that no one loved me.

The night before on May 8th, I was reviewed by a nurse at Lady Cilento Hospital, Brisbane. Since I told my doctor I had a suicide plan, she sent me there. I have since read those records and realized I was too distressed and depressed to even tell her about what was going on in my head. So she sent me home saying I seemed fine.

I wasn’t planning on jumping May 9th, it was meant to be for May 10th. Remember – I had my dog. My beautiful, soft and loving dog. Rosie. As I piled more rocks on top of and around each other, I heard the mans deep voice, “Just kill yourself now”. I paused. Then a woman’s voice spoke, “I agree. Just kill yourself know. Prepare with the rock in your hand”. They sold it to me, in a matter of four words! I look down to the rock held in my hand. BAM! I hit myself in the head with the rock.

At that point, I lost track of time. I did not have my phone. I did not bring it, but did I care? No. I was wearing a red t-shirt, blue jumper, blue track pants, sandals and my hair was in a ponytail. A girl with such privileged material items, yet powerless within herself. By this point the sun has risen. I started visualizing them showing me how to jump off. “We’ll be your example,” she said, “Like this,” he said. The fucking audacity of these bitches, but at the time- they were my idols!

They show me different positions to jump, but I’m not paying attention because I’m in tears. Tears of anger and frustration. I tried once but it didn’t work. It should have worked the first time. Remember, I wanted an easy and effortless escape. In sync the man and lady say, “If you do not kill yourself, we will hurt your family. All of the members.”

At this point I do not remember how many more attempts I made, but I can assure it was at least four. Next thing I know, I ran to the nearest house knocking on the door. A lady opened the door. I must have said something but I cannot recall what was said, but then I ran back to the cliff. I thought to myself, “No, go back to the house Isobel. Why did I do this? Rosie. How dare I be so selfish and make her be apart of my suicide. Nothing would hurt me more than knowing I wouldn’t have her anymore.”

I went back to her house. She was on the phone and told me to come in, so I did. There are elephants everywhere, my favourite animal. The lucky animal. She comforted me and let Rosie in. Such a wonderful and lovely woman and this world needs more people like her. The police came. Then the ambulance. I was admitted into the Adolescent Mental Health Unit at Lady Cilento Hospital May 9th, 2018. Another mans voice appears in my head. I am in there for 31 days, discharged and given a treating team within the community for support. Diagnosis? First episode psychosis.

Weeks pass as I try going back to school, but its too hard. I started spiraling back into a deep depression and the auditory and visual hallucinations were getting stronger and stronger. I began to plan again, but am re-admitted back into the Adolescent Mental Health Unit, August 22nd, 2018. I was in there for 24 days, discharged and given a different treating team within the community for support. We named the voices: Bob, Jeanie and Tori. Bob tells me to kill myself, hurt others and that no one loves me, Jeanie attacks my body and self-image, calling me names such as fat and telling me to wear a cardigan and Tori tells me others are coming for me and my family and makes me catastrophize.

Months have passed. 2018 was my senior year and I did not graduate. I am now sitting here typing this story. It is 2019. I have a job, I am starting university in May and I have created a mental health awareness page, specifically focusing on the mental illness of psychosis. It is called “Living with Psychosis.” I am learning to live with psychosis and depression and my prognosis is unknown. I know, feel and believe that life will go nothing but up at this point. My soul, heart and mind are getting repaired, replenished and loved more each day.

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